Run, Flee, Do Not Let Yourself Look at the Screen!

I turned on the television and this was the movie that was running. I had some slight curiosity about the film, and my questions were ones I'd never actively pursue, but I was frozen like a deer in the headlights. Was it really as bad as they said? Does Tom Green have any artistic integrity?

While I did not stay on the channel long, I still witness Mr. Green licking an open wound - the kind where the bone sticks out. It was fake, of course - no real wounds were licked - but, if you'll allow me to comment on the technique for a moment, I think you might understand why this movie is so bad. Mr. Green's tongue is flicking itself at the wound, only touching with its tip. Is this someone who is into wounds? No, this is the behavior of someone who is continually mugging for the camera. He's doing it for the benefit of the audience, which his character has no real clue is watching. The movie's attitude seems to be that he is a complete irreverent dimwit, but even irreverent dimwits know that the guy writhing in pain on the ground is not going to find this funny.

The other bit I'll go into here has Mr. Green birthing a baby, then swinging the baby around by its umbilical cord. Now, I won't say swinging around a baby could never be funny - I may just not have the imagination to think of how - but yet again, there's no reason for this. The entire goal of the movie must be to have people leaving the theater saying "I can't believe they did that". In that sense, perhaps the film has had its success, but that's no reason to watch something.

There seems to be a pretense of a plot, having something to do with Rip Torn, as Mr. Green's father, yelling a lot, and younger brother Eddie Kaye Thomas trying to look like an upstanding lad - the Freddie of the title - but merely coming off as bland. It's true I didn't hold on to see the plot's culmination, but I have a hard time imagining any way this movie could be saved. Even Bio-Dome had a plot, but that didn't make much difference. Freddie Got Fingered doesn't merely start at the bottom of barrel - it's digging with a backhoe.

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