Bad bad bad

Wolves of Wall Street marches along its were-stockbroker storyline efficiently, checking off each requisite story point every few minutes towards its inevitable conclusion. Each character is exactly who they need to be for the premise to work, and not one ounce more.

You could call this film a testament to efficiency, but it's quite the opposite in fact. By foregoing any notion of subtlety, these are just empty, mind-numbing minutes, a waste of time.

The dialog strains to sound like something worth quoting - you know, bad-ass lines delivered by the smooth characters in a world of supposed eloquence - but a scene or two later, these lines seem meaningless, reducing their suave owners to mere posers.

Here, let me save you some time and tell you the story. Boy meets Girl. Girl unwittingly introduces Boy to Brokerage Full of Werewolves. Boy joins Brokerage and is slowly introduced to the way of the Wolf. Boy pursues Girl, gets Girl, but becomes erratic, causing Girl to be concerned. Boy eventually figures out the Pack is bad. Boy and Girl and Pack engage in (anti-)climactic showdown. The end.

See, I just saved you 85 minutes, and trust me, my special effects were almost as good.

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